so i’ve been reflecting over the past month now that keith is about to head home. i wonder about the worth of my past 30 days. maybe being around leith for so many years has me thinking about issues in terms of inputs and outputs - my brain usually doesn’t work that way, but this time in this perfect storm of a month, that’s where my mind is. while keith’s been here, i would say it’s been a huge time commitment and sacrifice for us both. in addition to just plain food and life costs, which are not such a big deal, i consider from my perspective the number of vacation days i’ve taken of of work, the time put into figuring out the food situation, rushing home to cook or have quality time, and the biggest time sink - the tens of hours spent researching colleges, organizing tours and figuring out how to help him figure out the college situation. it hasn’t been easy with travel for work and the intense amount of stuff on my plate.

not to say he isn’t great to have around. keith helps around the house a lot and is good company overall. if it was a normal summer and he was just hanging out, i would actually say the summer has been pretty good for all of us. the thing is that leith and i have approached the summer as an investment, and as a result, have poured an inordinate amount of energy and attention around him. we want keith to succeed, get into a good school and be happy with the direction of his life. i think he wants some of those things to, but the type of work ethic and gratitude he possesses is very different, and he lacks the type of independence we were both raised with - coming up in families struggling to stay afloat and save for a better life. it’s hard to tell how much of an impact the last month has had for him through his reactions since he doesn’t communicate that much about it.

probably the best thing for me is to say that the month is over and i hope he actually tries to be self-motivated for the rest of the summer. is he still going to study, try to read more, work on vocabulary and get organized about all the upcoming deadlines and tests? or will he slip back into relaxed teenager mode and spend the summer hanging out with friends? i think for my sanity, i’ve decided i can’t keep tabs on it beyond this visit. all i can do is revise essays when requested and let him do the work. i can’t make him do anything that needs to happen. i can’t emotionally invest in continuing to follow up on whether or not he refers to any of the resources we’ve pulled together. i just have too much of my own things going on in work and life that are already overwhelming and it’ll make me crazy. all i can do is look back on the past few weeks and if i consider this time and sacrifice a gift to leith, then i know as my partner, i have his gratitude and respect and that’s all i need.

this post is truly a journal. sorry to get so introspective, but with all that’s going on, i have to take care of myself. i’m a bit bummed that there’s no fun vacation planned up ahead. you haters might say that we were just in hawaii, but fun as that was, a wedding in undeniably work. keith was work, new york was literally work, minnesota will be a family trip, my mom and sister will be a staycation and december means taiwan. 31 is the year of growing up and only taking family trips and i’ve been pretty spoiled with getting to actually take at least 1-2 fun trips a year with leith.

i’m making strides in the work arena. i just let go of a trip to new york in august. i think it would be fun, but also another busy thing up ahead to schedule around. plus, i’m chairing the WorkHappy task force. it sounds like more work, but i seriously do consider it an important investment in making my career happiness better. reunions seems to be right around the corner, which means working on my favorite thing - classes without quizzes. so i have that stuff together and i’m making both of my yoga classes this week - i just need to pull together the rest of my life.

if in the next week or so i can carve out time for a haircut, car wash and oil change and looking ahead get my tv and smartphone life figured out (don’t have the smart phone yet!) then i’ll start to feel on top of things.

ok, i’m signing off so i can actually make my 7am yoga and i feel much better after the brain dump. thanks blog!